Saturday, March 05, 2005
On this day:
Uncoherent Thoughts
I've been remiss lately. I've been working through some crap that I wish I could pawn them on some people. Is there a therapist so good that I could just drop my crap in his/her lap and come retrieve it later all put back in a coherent manner, good as new? That would be a godsend at this very moment.
Last night, I had a serious case of insomnia where my mind is racing with thoughts of him. I've been reading materials about relationship and love. I've been reading blogs about life in general. The thing about blogs is that there are so many well written thoughts to ponder on all day. It heightens and spotlights some of my own thoughts and feelings. I don't know if these are all helping or if these are making me internalize all my feelings.
Before I lay my head down to rest, I remembered the latest habit I started doing when we would say "good night" to each other. I would add "see you in the morning". One time he asked why I say that and where was I going. I replied with I will be going into my dreams. Well, last night, laying in bed, I started to think it was more than just that. The dream state is something I have no conscious control over. I could spend my conscious waking moments thinking of circumstances, happenings that revolved around me, him, us. In a dream state, the one part of being that I might not be able to have him in my thoughts. Thus, I bid him farewell til morning.
This morning, I was awaken from a phone call early. It usually is when I am abruptly awaken that I would remember my dreams. Well, what do you know. I dreamt about him. At the moment of waking up, the dream was somewhat a crumble, jumble bits and pieces that I tried hard to will it into a fitting story, like working out a puzzle. By the time I jump into the shower, and soaped up, the dream made absolutely no coherent sense at all. I don't really even know where to begin to recount the dream. I envy people who could remember their dreams.
Please send me a therapist. Sometimes I want to scream and crawl out of my skin so bad. Sometimes I'm so tired of being good and decent. Sometimes I wish I could be deceitful, mean, bitter, and just angry. But then, I would still need therapy.
I would never had imagined instead of saying "good night, see you in the morning." I would be saying "good night, see you in my dreams."
Sleep tight!
Last night, I had a serious case of insomnia where my mind is racing with thoughts of him. I've been reading materials about relationship and love. I've been reading blogs about life in general. The thing about blogs is that there are so many well written thoughts to ponder on all day. It heightens and spotlights some of my own thoughts and feelings. I don't know if these are all helping or if these are making me internalize all my feelings.
Before I lay my head down to rest, I remembered the latest habit I started doing when we would say "good night" to each other. I would add "see you in the morning". One time he asked why I say that and where was I going. I replied with I will be going into my dreams. Well, last night, laying in bed, I started to think it was more than just that. The dream state is something I have no conscious control over. I could spend my conscious waking moments thinking of circumstances, happenings that revolved around me, him, us. In a dream state, the one part of being that I might not be able to have him in my thoughts. Thus, I bid him farewell til morning.
This morning, I was awaken from a phone call early. It usually is when I am abruptly awaken that I would remember my dreams. Well, what do you know. I dreamt about him. At the moment of waking up, the dream was somewhat a crumble, jumble bits and pieces that I tried hard to will it into a fitting story, like working out a puzzle. By the time I jump into the shower, and soaped up, the dream made absolutely no coherent sense at all. I don't really even know where to begin to recount the dream. I envy people who could remember their dreams.
Please send me a therapist. Sometimes I want to scream and crawl out of my skin so bad. Sometimes I'm so tired of being good and decent. Sometimes I wish I could be deceitful, mean, bitter, and just angry. But then, I would still need therapy.
I would never had imagined instead of saying "good night, see you in the morning." I would be saying "good night, see you in my dreams."
Sleep tight!
